Sometimes we behave childishly in our relationships. Other times, we act on what we learned as a child. For example, our early attachments can shape a wide range of our adult behaviors. In particular, the attachment style we learn early on has a significant influence on all future relationships.
Attachment Styles
Of course, many variations exist and sometimes style specifics can blur. But, in general, there are four primary categories:
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment
Uncertainty is the foundation of this style. If your parents were inconsistent with attention and care, you may have developed a sense of desperation. What you now call love might be something closer to emotional hunger. The anxious-preoccupied person makes demands on their partner and these demands may push them away. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, e.g. “See? They never really loved me!”
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment
Here, the person “avoids” disappointment by remaining aloof. This approach gives the impression that one cannot be hurt if they never really cared. They focus on themselves and detach easily from others. The dismissive-avoidant person presents such behavior as “independence” but it is more likely them seeking safety by not taking chances. After all, as a child, they were vulnerable and did not get their needs met. Why risk it as an adult?
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment
The fearful-avoidant person may have had a similarly disappointing childhood as the dismissive-avoidant person. For them, however, it manifested into high anxiety. They’ll also aim to avoid attachment but fear will prevent them from accepting disappointment again. This ambivalence creates a volatile scenario. Such a person may feel trapped when a partner attends to them and push them away. Conversely, they cling to their partner after any perceived rejection.
Secure Attachment
This is, perhaps, the most obvious yet least common of the styles. A secure attachment is one built on trust and communication and a willingness to evolve. As a child, you saw your parents as a secure home base of sorts. You felt comfortable exploring because you knew they were always there. Consistency is a foundational factor of secure attachments.
How Our Early Attachments Impact Your Relationships Now
1. Secure
There are no perfect relationships, but those with a secure foundation can withstand the inevitable storms. Compatibility is a fluid concept. Secure couples recognize this and do the daily work to stay connected. Healthy communication is the norm for them.
2. Fearful-Avoidant
These are the relationships that fiction writers and filmmakers often depict. The highs and lows and endless swings between partners are the classic definitions of “drama.” All of this will have some exhilarating moments but their connection may be outweighed by the dysfunction.
3. Dismissive-Avoidant
Communication is the primary concern here. Unless feelings can be exposed and discussed, you will fall into an endless cycle of frustration. These relationships can be a daily struggle to discern what your partner really feels.
4. Anxious-Preoccupied
Get ready for the possibility of passive-aggressive behavior. The anxious partner is quite certain they are doomed to be unlovable. The result is a self-sabotaging and couple-sabotaging pattern buried beneath a seemingly passive surface.
How Do We Detach From Our Attachments?
For starters, we can make a new attachment. This time, it will be with a therapist. Regular counseling sessions are a giant step towards realizing that our attachment styles don’t have to be carved in stone. Your guide will help uncover past influences and explore how these influences shaped your current attachment style and thus, your relationships. Again, the key point is that you can change. If you’re consistently unhappy with your relationships, it does not mean it will always be like this. It’s time to detach from how you attach!
If you want to learn more about early attachments and forging healthier relationships investigate my couples therapy specialty page or contact me for a consultation.
