All couples can tell the story of how they connected. How they met, how they became interested in each other, how the relationship grew and became a priority, and how they finally became a long term couple.
But what about the opposite? How aware are we of the different stages of drifting apart? How much do we focus on our relationship priorities in the long run?
A busy life
Once couples ‘settle down’ together, the focus of their lives begins to shift. What was previously an exciting adventure, an important goal, or a major milestone, is now becoming the status quo, the reference point of their lives.
In other words, relationship priorities change. This change only accelerates once the couple is transformed into a family.
Other life issues move into the foreground of attention: careers, extended family, life issues such as illness or financial problems now suck up the energy and emotions that finding and forming a relationship with your partner used to have.
This usually happens slowly, so slowly that it is difficult to catch the moments when you grow apart, and it usually happens while your attention is already distracted.
Long distance relationships
Many relationships now go through at least a period of physical separation, whether it is through work placements or extended travel, or even through long daily commutes or working very long hours. Keeping connected is difficult if you hardly see each other.
Growing apart from the inside out
Many couples simply lose the bond that made them choose each other in the first place, and it often happens because they prioritize other parts of their lives, often without even realizing it.
So what can you do to develop healthy relationship priorities?
Prioritizing your relationship
You never ‘have’ a relationship. You are always building it. Therefore, you need to make it a priority in everything you do.
The good news is that you already know how. You did it when you first met your partner. Remember how you couldn’t stop thinking about them, even when they were not there?
That is what a priority feels like. Curiosity, hope, excitement, longing, desire. Love.
Really smart relationship priorities mean that you never allow that priority to slip away in the first place. You never allow your partner to slip into the background of your life or your mind. You never stop being curious about them, and you never stop thinking of them as someone very special who brings something to your life that you cannot create on your own.
Ask yourself how much of that is present in your relationship right now.
Communicating
If some of the original focus and excitement has disappeared, don’t despair.
You can still reconnect. The most important tool is communication.
- Make time
Create time and space for talking to each other. Make it a fun activity, something you both look forward to, not a chore or an obligation. Don’t wait until conflicts eat up most of your communication.
- Ask and answer
Don’t make assumptions. Ask questions you don’t know the answer to. Remember you are talking to the most important person in your life.
- Explore
Explore new ways of communicating. Include adventure, new activities (maybe some that go along with other developments in your life, such as a growing family) and, of course, intimacy in your relationship priorities.
Reconnecting
If you have inadvertently grown apart, and if circumstances don’t allow you a lot of face time together, have a conversation about those relationship priorities. Together.
- Acknowledge the situation, and share your feelings. This is difficult, and painful.
- Tell your partner what you miss the most and what you long for the most.
- Try to stay in touch throughout the day with texts and messages.
- Create special priority time just with each other, no matter what. Your partner comes first, not last.
- Find out what has happened to both of you since you last connected. Maybe it was this morning. Maybe it was a year ago. Maybe your partner can still surprise you!
Staying connected
Ultimately, staying connected depends on how much you want to stay connected. Communication tools can’t fix loss of interest, or a life focus that is shifting away.
Don’t avoid talking about what separates you as well as what (still) connects you. The more real you are with each other, the more substance your relationship will have.
Your relationship is a long, complicated story.
Try to keep each other informed about the plot twists and be aware of what goes on, inside and out. For further information, please take a look at my specialty page on couples therapy.
