Communication is key. Period.
Whatever it is you’re trying to do or accomplish, healthy communication is a powerful foundation. Without it, we can swiftly devolve into distant silence, passive-aggression, or even actively aggressive behavior. Disagreements, grudges, and resentment may ensue and take root.
How can you support healthy interaction and foster deeper understanding?
Using “I” statements is a solid, proven choice.
What is an “I” Statement?
This approach to effective communication begins with a strong focus on the feelings and beliefs of the person speaking. The opposite, of course, involves assigning meaning and motive to the actions and thoughts of another person.
Let’s say you want a loved one to text you when they get home just so you know they got there safely. However, let’s also say that your loved one keeps forgetting to text. The “I” statement might be: “I feel worried and invalidated when you don’t text to let me know you’re home.” This type of declaration would stand in stark contrast to: “Why do you always ignore my needs?”
An “I” approach allows the speaker to be assertive without resorting to accusation. Your feelings are yours. You can own them and articulate them without creating aggressive conflict.
This is not saying that the concept of assigning responsibility is removed. Rather, it’s delivered in such a way as to reduce confrontation while encouraging resolution.
How to Make the Most of Communication By Using “I” Statements
1. You Connect With Others Through Shared Experiences
In general, we have more in common with others than we might first imagine. Therefore, a statement like “I feel overwhelmed on a crowded subway train” is more connecting than “Riding on the subway sucks!” We can relate to an expression of feelings and perhaps use that connection to do something about it.
2. Communication Gains a Solution-Oriented Focus
“You can’t fight City Hall” is a classic, non-“I” statement. If rephrased as “I find the new recycling laws confusing,” you could recruit others to your side. The vibe goes from surrender to focus.
3. Elements Like Tone and Timing are Better Appreciated
“I” statements don’t work better every single time. You may personally find them more challenging to integrate. But pondering the value of “I” statements puts us in a more empathic communication space. In this space, we are more likely to consider the importance of word choice, vocal tone, conversation timing, and facial gestures when it comes to effective interactions.
4. You DON’T Fully Remove Blame But You DO Make Discussion Easier
Most situations require an examination of cause and effect. However, most situations are not made better via accusations. Consider this statement: “I feel unheard when you’re looking at your phone during our conversations.” Clearly, there’s an undertone of blame but you began with an expression of feelings. This leaves room for a discussion that isn’t volatile by default.
Sometimes “I” Needs a “We”
Communication is among the most important skills we’ll ever learn. Yet, our society puts very little focus on formal training. We’ll go to classes to play musical instruments, knit, throw karate kicks, and speak another language. But what about the most essential language? What about healthy communication?
Fortunately, it’s never too late to say “I need help,” and “I will seek out a guide.”
Working with an experienced therapist is like taking a master class in communication and connection. You can learn to identify your habits and patterns. If you tend to focus elsewhere and therefore risk confrontation, your counselor can ease you back to “I.” Remember, sometimes “I” needs a “we.”
