It’s a red flag if a couple tells you they “never fight.” Disagreements are inevitable. They are also an opportunity for growth—when resolved in a healthy manner.
We evolve and establish relationship guidelines from such discord. We have the potential to learn so much about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships when we don’t see eye to eye.
Unhealthy conflict resolution, however, is a much bigger red flag than denying disagreement. Among many things, unhealthy patterns may involve:
- avoidance
- denial
- passive-aggressive behaviors
- threats, abuse, and intimidation
- unnecessary competition
- carry-over into other aspects of your connection
- too many compromises
As a couple, you will have differences. Resolving these differences without sacrificing your core values, damaging your relationship or disrespecting each other as individuals can be quite challenging at times. It helps to have some basic guidelines as your fair fighting foundation.
Don’ts for Resolving Your Differences
1. Don’t skip right to blaming
Yes, sometimes fault can be assigned. But placing blame can derail a calm and productive discussion. When fair fighting, set the stage for resolution by at least hearing your partner out.
2. Don’t use words like “always” and “never”
You always do this. I never do that. Lines like this…never sound like a negotiation. As mentioned below, word choice is a big deal.
3. Don’t aim to “win”
You’re a team. This isn’t a competition. No one should be keeping score. If you subtract the aim of winning, you will be surprised at how productive things can be.
4. Don’t keep going when you need a break
“Time out” are two very useful words to remember in a relationship. Talking until you’re exhausted is a recipe for more conflict. You’re in this for the long haul. Take breaks. Regroup. Breathe. Come together ready for resolution.
5. Don’t get too personal
Personal conversations are personal enough without lowering yourself to insults or name-calling. Intentionally hurting your partner is not an option in a mature, forward-moving relationship.
Dos for Resolving Your Differences
1. Do be direct and honest
Every couple needs a foundation built on truth. Even when that truth is tough to state and even tougher to hear. Fair fighting includes trusting each other to be as direct as possible. If this is a major challenge, couples counseling (see below) is highly recommended.
2. Do pick your battles along with time and place
Not every disagreement warrants negotiation. And when they do, it’s crucial to appreciate how and when you broach the topic. If you’re unsure, ask.
3. Do listen
This sounds obvious but emotions can cloud our ability to hear with an open mind and open heart. Listening skills are the most underrated aspect of healthy communication. This includes using your eye contact, posture, facial expression, and body movements to communicate that you’re paying close attention.
4. Do share the mic
No monologues! Dominating the conversation is not productive. Work hard to appreciate the importance of dialogue. No one wants to be lectured—least of all by their partner.
5. Do remain aware of tone, volume, and word choice
What you say often pales in comparison to how you say it. Reminder: you love each other…a lot. Allow this to be your guide when it comes to how you speak—even when you’re angry.
A Big Relationship “Do”: Ask for Help
You don’t have to figure this out alone. Neither you nor your partner is required to have all the answers. There’s no user’s manual teaching us how to reach common ground or how to manage persistent uncommon ground. Fortunately, there is the option of couples counseling.
In a world of endless negotiations, there is always a need for a mediator. This person may initially serve as a referee of sorts but ultimately, their expertise is about guidance. Your therapist will facilitate open, honest conversations about a) your differences and b) how to resolve them.
Like any other task, the therapy process requires learning new skills and remaining open to fresh ideas. Fighting with your spouse does not need to inspire fear or shame. But it can be met with the kind of honest, healthy communication techniques of fair fighting you’ll learn in couples counseling together.
Take the Next Step…
Want to learn more about healthy, productive communication? For further information, please take a look at my Couples Therapy specialty page. If you’d like help sooner rather than later, please contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can reach your goals as quickly and effectively as possible.
I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.
Phil LeBlanc
