We make decisions all day long. Even when we’re not aware of it, our mind is calculating and bargaining. It’s safe to say we become—in a way—the product of our choices. The two biggest factors in our conscious decision-making? Love and fear.
The Balance of Love and Fear
Over time, we may fall into a pattern of allowing one or the other dominate our choices. To be blunt, for most of us, that means fear rules often. This is not to say we don’t love and aren’t loved. We can be deeply loving individuals but too fearful to allow this instinct to guide us. In many cases, we may not even realize that a struggle between love and fear is being waged.
How Do You Know When Fear is Winning?
1. You Seek Perfection but Settle for “Whatever”
Fear of being judged turns us into perfectionists. Fear of failure turns us into settlers. If we try something, we must excel and impress everyone. Most of the time, this leads us to settle for whatever is easiest to keep the fear at bay.
2. Distractions and Self-Medication
This obviously can mean drugs, alcohol, overeating, gambling, and so on. Thanks to smartphones and social media, it now includes a wide array of Internet-specific methods of self-medication. From porn addictions to a constant need to look “busy,” we also use technology in a futile attempt to numb the fear.
3. Control is the Goal
Do you micromanage your life and the actions of those around you? Is every day a struggle to control the outcome of all your interactions? This behavior does not arise from a place of love.
4. Yes and No Get Reversed
People-pleasing is fear-based so you say yes to others—even when you don’t want to. Avoiding risks is fear-based so you say no to opportunities—even when you want to try.
5. Inaction
In some cases, you simply procrastinate as your default setting. But in most cases, you analyze and think and compare until you feel incapable of deciding or doing anything.
How Can We Help Love Take Back the Controls?
1. Make Peace with Fear
Fear is necessary. It’s hard-wired in us to protect us and sometimes it will save our lives. Don’t fear your fear. See it as a helpful companion that can lend a hand…in rare situations.
2. Mindfulness
Fear is typically based on past regrets or future anxieties. In the present moment, acknowledge that fear cannot compete with love.
3. Open-mindedness
From parents to teachers to bosses and even corporations trying to sell us stuff, our brain becomes a muddle of opinion and conflict. Different forms of conditioning and programming compete. But what does your heart say? Question groupthink and make self-loving choices.
4. Gratitude
We always have more than we realize we have. By living in the moment, we open ourselves to feeling gratitude. When we appreciate our lives, fear fades.
5. Community
Isolation is a strong predictor of a fear-based life. This is not to say you subject yourself to crowds and abandon solitude. Rather, love blooms when we find a group of kindred spirits who also engage the balancing act of love and fear.
Where Can We Get Help?
Again, the non-stop internal battle between love and fear may seem invisible in some ways. It’s helpful to find someone who will ask probing questions, analyze your answers and your behavior, and hence identify the dominant patterns guiding your life.
That person is usually a therapist. Weekly counseling sessions weed out distractions and help you see the role both love and fear play on a daily basis. Working together, we can increase such clarity and create room for new ideas, perspectives, and choices.
To learn more about Individual Counseling click here.
