Grief is a universal experience. Unfortunately, however, it’s not a widely discussed or understood subject. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable discussing loss, death, or mourning. But it is also very important to manage such feelings and experiences. Loss of any kind usually results in pain. Processing this pain requires skill, desire, and focus.
Why We Grieve
We don’t always recognize the varied forms of mourning. Everyone can conjure up images of sorrow after the death of a loved one, e.g. traumatic loss. But other forms of grief take form in other situations. Examples include concrete losses like getting fired, retiring, relocating, or ending a relationship. More symbolically, we may mourn a loss of innocence or youth. Then there’s anticipatory grief. We may learn that we or someone else has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. This ignites its own version of mourning.
We grieve because we’re sad or angry or lonely or confused. There are many emotions underlying grief but they get expressed in unique ways during a time of mourning. There is no formula, timetable or template. Different people grieve in different ways and each of us may live through mourning differently from case to case. The commonality is often pain. Such pain must be processed productively.
3 Ways to Process the Pain Productively
1. Own It
Well-meaning friends and family members will likely deliver the classic condolences, e.g.
- “They are in a better place.”
- “At least they’re not suffering anymore.”
- “They’d want you to move on.”
- “You must stay strong.”
All of these cliches come from a place of sympathy. None of them grasps the nuance of loss. Many things are true at the same time. For example, you can be relieved that suffering has ended for a loved one while feeling heartache that feels incurable. If you have to care for an elder or a child, you can “stay strong” in their presence. Meanwhile, you can collapse into tears when alone.
Own your pain. Honor it. Do not ever feel the need to live up to anyone else’s expectations.
2. Take Your Time
Speaking of expectations, there’s the whole unspoken deadline thing. Because why we grieve is so poorly understood, we often have unrealistic perceptions of how it runs its course — and how different that is for each individual. Of course, we all have demands and responsibilities. But once they’ve been factored in, it’s crucial that we take our healing at our own pace. There is no blueprint. In fact, grief has a way of unexpectedly resurfacing long after we think we’ve resolved it. It only makes sense that anyone who has experienced loss can encounter triggers that make the pain feel fresh again.
3. Ask For Help
Because mourning is an almost taboo topic in our culture, it can lead us to suffer in silence. But getting help is necessary (see below for more). Even if a loved one doesn’t fully understand your pain, their physical presence can be calming.
Grief is NOT a Solo Effort
When processing the pain of loss, it’s never the time to retreat into solitude. We need a support system and — as mentioned above — we need time. We also need a plan. Working with a counselor is a productive choice for healing. You may opt for one-on-one sessions or join a bereavement group. Either way, the initial feeling may be a sense of relief. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone. What you are feeling is not extreme or wrong. From this rooted place of connection grows the many branches of recovery. Therapy is where we can gain an understanding of why we grieve and work toward healing.
Take the Next Step…
Want to learn more about healthy, productive grief? Please contact me by phone or email to discuss how you can heal as effectively and completely as possible.
I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.
Phil LeBlanc
