Self-compassion is not the same as being selfish. Sometimes, the most self-loving choice can be to help another person. Every minute of every day, we’re faced with choices. What matters is where your choices come from. Person A can make choice X because they choose to avoid self-sabotage. Person B can make the same exact choice and, in the process, be displaying a clear lack of self-compassion.
Examples of Behavior Without Self-Compassion
What does it look like when we’re not showing ourselves compassion? The answers to this question vary widely but some common threads exist, for example:
- Negative self-talk
- Enabling others at your own expense
- Not taking responsibility for your own mental and physical health
- Taking dangerous risks (finances, substance abuse, sex with strangers, etc.)
- Getting stuck in an alleged comfort zone
- Fixation on social media and online interactions
There are other patterns and then countless variations on each theme. But what it comes down to is that we’re no longer making choices from a place of self-love.
5 Keys to More Self-Compassion in your Life
1. Be your own caretaker and nurturer
This is a powerful initial step. It’s the heart of taking responsibility for your mental and physical health. Self-care lays the foundation for self-compassion. Firstly, this is because it requires compassion to care. What does “self-care” mean? Some basics:
- Healthy eating habits
- Regular sleep patterns
- Daly exercise and activity
- Getting enough alone time to process and re-charge
- Stress management and relaxation techniques (e.g. Tai Chi, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises)
2. Take tech breaks
It’s impossible to cultivate self-compassion without paying attention. Our devices, on the contrary, typically distract our attention in many directions. A fair amount of those directions are far from self-loving. Happiness cannot be measured in likes, shares, and “reactions.” And those flame wars have no redeeming value at all! Yes, it’s clear that online platforms have become required in modern society. This does not mean you must be connected 24/7.
3. Evaluate the people in your life
What role do your family and friends play in your life? What about your partner? Now, add in co-workers, neighbors, and anyone else in a position to impact your mindset. Each and every one of these humans influences your level of self-compassion. Prioritize time and energy towards those who pay enough attention to create a healthy and fluid connection with you.
4. Accept imperfection
Contrary to Instagram selfies, perfection does not exist. It’s a trap—a un-compassionate ploy used to keep us searching and consuming. The self-loving perspective is one of acceptance. Neither you nor anyone else in your life can or should be held to a standard of perfection. Accepting this basic reality is self-compassion in action.
5. Help others—without being a martyr
Our social media news feed lets us know how bad things are across the globe. Dwelling on this is not self-care. However, it’s a wonderful form of self-love to explore ways to make a difference through direct action. Find a mission. Commit to it. But, under no circumstances, allow it to be governed by guilt or shame.
Can Self-Compassion Be Learned?
One of the most important steps to develop self-compassion is to ask for help. Working with a therapist is a big way to say: I matter. Your weekly sessions will help you better understand why it’s so hard to be nice to yourself. Where did these patterns originate? What beliefs have guided you to your current mindset? Most importantly, what strategies can be implemented to create change? Self-compassion is not a final destination. It is an evolving process made easier by the presence of a skilled guide.
