Resolution vs. Goal vs. Objective

This is not about getting caught up in semantics. Rather, the issue is language. Effective goal-setting is made easier when you feel clear about how you describe the process.

Generally speaking, a resolution involves the intention to create a major life change. The ensuing goal is a target of what that will look like. Objectives are basically the step-by-step plan needed to reach the goal/resolution.

Resolution

The resolution may sound like this: “I’m getting in better shape this year.” It’s big, it’s vague, but it can swiftly be broken down into specifics. Only you know where your starting point is and what your health history is. Again, only you know what “better shape” means in your head.

Goal

The goal may sound like this: “I will lose 20 pounds by ___ and then run a 5K race by ___.” In other words, it’s far more specific than the resolution. Therefore, you move closer to turning an idea into a reality.

Objective

The objective may sound like this: “Starting tomorrow, I get up at 6am to eat a light breakfast and do a workout.” This is the stuff you have on your whiteboard. Objectives get into the realm of nuts and bolts. Here’s where you do the kind of daily tasks that translate into successful goal achievement.

4 Better Goal-setting Practices for the Year Ahead

1. Make it a Short List

As you’ll see with #3 below, goals tend to evolve. You’ll have plenty of time to add, subtract, and edit your list. For starters, just put ink to paper and catalog your strongest wishes for the year ahead.

2. Write it Down/Review Regularly

Yes, ink was mentioned above. If you still own a pen and paper, this is a wise option. The physical act of writing down your resolutions, goals, and objectives is powerful. Take the opportunity to be phone-free for such an important aspect of your life. In fact, being more phone-free sounds like an excellent goal!

3. Remain WIDE Open to Adaptations

You may notice a theme here. Resolutions are vague. This is a good thing because it leaves room to adapt on the fly. It’s not an issue of losing focus. Instead, it’s a reality-based approach that any successful business would recognize. Factors evolve. Unexpected circumstances arise. This means you must keep your eyes on the prize without losing sight of the many routes available to attain that prize.

4. Create a Strong Self-Care Foundation

The best version of you is the best goal-setting version of you. A solid self-care regimen is a goal or objective in and of itself. However, regardless of your plans, it makes sense to take care of the basics. For example:

• Make sure you get daily exercise and activity
• Put in the work to create regular sleep patterns
• Cultivate and maintain healthy eating habits
• Practice stress management and relaxation techniques

Self-care is a proven foundation for sustainable success!

Goal-setting Guidance

We regularly hire tutors, instructors, and trainers to help us learn skills and thus, achieve goals. Thinking of a therapist as a coach of sorts makes it more likely you’d consider this step. Your routine counseling sessions can become a safe space for planning.

Perhaps something is holding you back in setting goals. Maybe confidence is an issue. If moving in a new and better direction feels daunting, therapy just may be the catalyst for a positive goal-setting shift!

Take the Next Step…

Want to learn more about setting goals and making lasting life changes? For further information, please take a look at my Individual Counseling specialty page. If you’d like help sooner rather than later, please feel free to contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can reach your goals as quickly and effectively as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post Resolutions: Yay or Nay? Better Goal-setting Practices for the Year Ahead appeared first on Compass Counseling.

7 Holiday Stress-relief Strategies

1. Make a Clear Plan

As the holidays approach, take time to work out a  plan that considers the various angles of your seasonal celebrations. Be as specific as possible, share your thoughts with all involved, and brainstorm how to be as prepared as possible. Be sure to include the following considerations:

• Will you host family gatherings or will you travel?
• Pertaining to your partner, will you visit their family, your family or both?
• What gifts need to be purchased?
• If hosting, what food, decor, accommodations will you need to prepare?

2. Pave the Way Financially

Financial planning makes a huge difference in your enjoyment during the holidays. Expenses can add up and become a source of joy-stealing anxiety if you find you are short on funds. January credit card debt is no fun to look forward to.

Save yourself the aggravation with a holiday budget. There are a wealth of online tools to help you create cost-saving plans and gift ideas.

3. Try These Tips for Successful Togetherness

Does ongoing time with relatives stress you out? Prepare yourself emotionally for interactions of all types, especially those that are particularly draining. Here are some tips that may help:

• Remain realistic. Your relatives are likely the same people they were last year.
• Be curious about your relatives. Stay as positive as possible
• Keep them talking about themselves, their children or plans.
• Devise a list of non-controversial conversation topics.
• Maintain an attitude of gratitude; focus on being kind and accepting.
• Set boundaries and excuse yourself if someone crosses them.

4. Give Yourself Time-Outs

Don’t feel guilty about planning escape routes. It’s okay to step away. If you need to, plan to be available for a set amount of time or attend just one or two gatherings. Celebrations aren’t fun for anyone if you feel forced together. To ensure you feel less constrained, get up early and take time for reading, prayer or meditation if it helps.

5. Don’t Forget to Breathe Out Anxiety

If the expectations, traditions, and spending start to get to you, check your breath. Chances are you are holding it in or breathing too quickly. Slow down. Take in a few deep, steadying breaths. It might help, too, to practice being as present as possible. Don’t get mired in the past or future. Breathe and stay in the moment.

6. Move your Body

Offset holiday feasting which can make you sluggish and prone to unhelpful thinking. Get out and get your blood moving. Take in some holiday lights, with your family members. Sightsee for an hour on your own. If you’re at home, maintain your regular workout schedule to burn off stress the usual way.

7. Share with Someone Who Cares

Is the holiday stress just too much? Do you have an understanding friend or a family member you can talk to, who gets what’s going on, and will be supportive? Sometimes you just need to share with someone.

Finally, If you find that holiday stress is particularly overwhelming this year don’t hesitate to reach out for professional help. A therapist can listen and recommend more holiday stress-relief strategies. Please contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can work together to help you to cope and get through the season feeling more like you.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post 7 Stress-relieving Strategies for the Holiday Season appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Case in point: family dynamics. For better or for worse or for both, our family unit is a system that dramatically shapes our individual behavior. It is common to hear people talk about the quality (or lack thereof) of their childhood. But this is a much bigger and deeper issue. It is also an issue about which we have been frequently misinformed.

How Family Dynamics Shape Individual Behavior

Pop culture has done us very few favors in terms of understanding and appreciating family dynamics. We get a broad spectrum of stereotypes and myths and simplistic perceptions. What we rarely, if ever, get is any sense of nuance. For example, we can sometimes love our family and we can just as easily hate them. We can even do both at the same time! Family dynamics are tricky, and they are also an evolving process. They can be funny at times, but they are never a joke. Do not rely on TV shows, memes, or romantic comedies to get the full picture.

Some influential factors of family dynamics include:

• Birth order
• Only child
• Divorce or separation
• Single-parent families
• Sibling rivalries
• Financial issues
• Interactions with in-laws
• Other extended family issues
• Step-families
• Social issues

This is just a minute taste of the complexities. There are many, many other factors at play. Each of them, in combination, contribute to shaping who we are as individuals. Our behavior is not happenstance. It is partly created by the dynamics of our own flesh and blood.

Why Approaching Family as a System is Helpful

What does it mean to approach family as a “system”? To explain this concept is to accept that we are not mere individuals who happen to be related. That alone, of course, would impact our individual behavior and choices. But family systems theory takes things much deeper.

Families, to be understood, must be viewed via their interactions. To identify how family dynamics shape individual behavior, we must explore the family as a whole. This means the individuals who make up the system but also, how those individuals regularly interact with one another. This is the heart of family dynamics. Our inter-family interactions can provoke individual behaviors like:

• Coping mechanisms
• Relationship attachment styles
• Social interaction styles
• Approaches to conflict resolution (or not)

It’s essential to acknowledge that family dynamics within the family system are not static. They influence us well into adulthood. They can also extend well beyond the traditional nuclear family structure. Unique circumstances can bring us into steady contact with the full gamut of extended family — including those who later enter the family through marriage or re-marriage.

How Therapy Can Shape Both Family Dynamics and Individual Behavior

Family systems theory has inspired the creation of family systems therapy. This method of psychotherapy is designed to help each family member within the context of their family units. It is within such collective systems that many of our personal issues first arise. You might say that whatever happens to one family member happens to every family member. This is not an exaggeration.

In family systems therapy sessions, the counselor may work with an individual in distress or meet with several family members. Having a close family member present allows the therapist to better explore and understand the roles each part of this system have assumed. What may be exposed could be:

• Power struggles
• Communication breakdowns
• Previously unexamined factors like birth order and physical disabilities

To use a word that has recently gained widespread usage, family systems therapy is holistic. Learning to view ourselves and our families this way is vital and a process. Working with a therapist can provide a wealth of clarity, insight, and self-awareness as you seek to understand yourself and make life changes.

Take the Next Step…

Want to learn more about yourself in the context of your family system? Please contact me by phone or email to discuss how you can heal and grow as effectively and completely as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post How Family Dynamics Shape Individual Behavior: Why Approaching Family as a System is Helpful appeared first on Compass Counseling.

If you’ve been told that you need meds, it’s time to get busy — very busy — with self-education. An informed patient can significantly reduce the stress and risk of being treated for depression or anxiety. For example, it is absolutely essential that you understand all the possible side effects.

Antidepressant meds present common potential side effects like insomnia, blurred vision, dry mouth, constipation, nausea, sexual problems (reduced desire, erectile dysfunction, etc.), increased appetite, weight gain, fatigue, and drowsiness. For anti-anxiety meds, many of the above side effects are also possible. In addition: dizziness, nervousness, restlessness, insomnia, weight fluctuations, headache, and drowsiness.

Antidepressant Medications

1. Serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs)

SNRIs work by blocking the reabsorption of two neurotransmitters (serotonin and norepinephrine) into the brain. Making these two chemicals more available to the brain can regulate mood and thus, relieve depression. Common SNRIs include Pristiq, Fetzima, and Effexor XR.

2. Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)

As the name suggests, SSRIs are designed to block the re-uptake of only serotonin, but not norepinephrine. SSRIs, in general, have fewer side effects and are thus the first choice for many prescribing doctors. Common SSRIs include Celexa, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft.

3. Monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)

The first type of antidepressant to be developed, an MAOI works in a similar manner as the above two entries. But, due to dietary restrictions and more common side effects, MAOIs are rarely used today. Common MAOIs include Marplan, Nardil, and Emsam.

4. Tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs)

TCAs work by blocking the reabsorption of serotonin and norepinephrine. They also block the action of another neurotransmitter called acetylcholine. Common TCAs include Norpramin, Tofranil, Pamelor, and Vivactil.

5. Noradrenaline and specific serotoninergic antidepressants (NaSSAs)

NaSSAs also work by blocking the re-uptake of both serotonin and norepinephrine. Common NaSSAs include Wellbutrin and Effexor.

Anti-Anxiety Medications

1. Benzodiazepines

Benzodiazepines work by impacting neurotransmitters but it’s essential to find out how the various benzodiazepines differ. Each of them starts working at different rates, can last longer than others, and are prescribed for very different forms of anxiety. Common benzodiazepines include Valium, Halcion, and Xanax.

2. Buspirone

Buspirone is actually a water-soluble white crystalline powder. It is typically for short-term relief of the symptoms of anxiety. It commonly goes by the name Buspar.

3. Hydroxyzine

Hydroxyzine (known as Vistaril) is a medication with several uses, including the treatment of anxiety. Effects occur quickly but hydroxyzine is not habit forming.

4. Beta-Blockers

Beta-blockers are usually associated with the treatment of high blood pressure and heart problems. But they can also provide relief for the symptoms of social anxiety disorder. Common beta-blockers include Sectral, Zebeta, Inderal, and Lopressor.

(Note: Some antidepressant medications are prescribed for anxiety. These crossover choices usually include both SNRIs and SSRIs.)

The Importance of Therapy

Finally, more often than not, the path toward medication coincides with therapy. Working with a counselor is an ideal scenario for recognizing the initial need for medication. It can take a little time to identify specific conditions. Once this has been accomplished, you and your therapist may agree that you need complementary care. She or he will guide you on the important journey of seeking anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication.

From diagnosis to adjustments to side effects and eventual cessation, you are not alone. Your recovery is a team effort.

For further information, please take a look at my Individual Counseling specialty page. If you’d like help sooner rather than later, please feel free to contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can reach your goals as quickly and effectively as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post Need Meds? What You Need to Know about Antidepressants & Anti-anxiety Medication appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Why We Grieve

We don’t always recognize the varied forms of mourning. Everyone can conjure up images of sorrow after the death of a loved one, e.g. traumatic loss. But other forms of grief take form in other situations. Examples include concrete losses like getting fired, retiring, relocating, or ending a relationship. More symbolically, we may mourn a loss of innocence or youth. Then there’s anticipatory grief. We may learn that we or someone else has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. This ignites its own version of mourning.

We grieve because we’re sad or angry or lonely or confused. There are many emotions underlying grief but they get expressed in unique ways during a time of mourning. There is no formula, timetable or template. Different people grieve in different ways and each of us may live through mourning differently from case to case. The commonality is often pain. Such pain must be processed productively.

3 Ways to Process the Pain Productively

1. Own It

Well-meaning friends and family members will likely deliver the classic condolences, e.g.

• “They are in a better place.”
• “At least they’re not suffering anymore.”
• “They’d want you to move on.”
• “You must stay strong.”

All of these cliches come from a place of sympathy. None of them grasps the nuance of loss. Many things are true at the same time. For example, you can be relieved that suffering has ended for a loved one while feeling heartache that feels incurable. If you have to care for an elder or a child, you can “stay strong” in their presence. Meanwhile, you can collapse into tears when alone.

Own your pain. Honor it. Do not ever feel the need to live up to anyone else’s expectations.

2. Take Your Time

Speaking of expectations, there’s the whole unspoken deadline thing. Because why we grieve is so poorly understood, we often have unrealistic perceptions of how it runs its course — and how different that is for each individual. Of course, we all have demands and responsibilities. But once they’ve been factored in, it’s crucial that we take our healing at our own pace. There is no blueprint. In fact, grief has a way of unexpectedly resurfacing long after we think we’ve resolved it. It only makes sense that anyone who has experienced loss can encounter triggers that make the pain feel fresh again.

3. Ask For Help

Because mourning is an almost taboo topic in our culture, it can lead us to suffer in silence. But getting help is necessary (see below for more). Even if a loved one doesn’t fully understand your pain, their physical presence can be calming.

Grief is NOT a Solo Effort

When processing the pain of loss, it’s never the time to retreat into solitude. We need a support system and — as mentioned above — we need time. We also need a plan. Working with a counselor is a productive choice for healing. You may opt for one-on-one sessions or join a bereavement group. Either way, the initial feeling may be a sense of relief. You’ll quickly discover you’re not alone. What you are feeling is not extreme or wrong. From this rooted place of connection grows the many branches of recovery. Therapy is where we can gain an understanding of why we grieve and work toward healing.

Take the Next Step…

Want to learn more about healthy, productive grief? Please contact me by phone or email to discuss how you can heal as effectively and completely as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post Why We Grieve & How to Process the Pain Productively appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Even then, who can tell us how and where to find it and to make it endure?

What is Happiness?

For some, happiness is a feeling. For others, it’s a doing or a having or an accomplishing. It should be obvious that there are billions of ways to answer this question! However, there are some clear ways to never answer this question. Happiness should not consist of hurting or exploiting others, of course.

That said, there’s another crucial component of anyone’s definition of happiness… if they want that definition to feel realistic and sustainable, that is. Almost everyone will agree that being happy involves the presence of positives emotions, thoughts, and experiences. We must also agree that happiness is not about seeking an absence of negativity. For two important reasons:

1. There is no such thing as “an absence of negativity.”
2. Without negativity, we cannot appreciate or perhaps even recognize happiness.

How Do We Get Happy and Make it Last? 

1. Gratitude

We may be happy and not even take time to enjoy it. It’s very common to take daily events for granted. But if we get mindful (see #2), we learn to appreciate the joy in each moment.

2. Mindfulness

The past and the future have a knack for cramping our happiness style. In the present, we can see and feel more clearly. Practice mindfulness and watch the happiness quotient rise.

3. Community

Happy people form happy-making situations. Surround yourself with those who make you smile often. Be there for each other in times of sorrow but make joy your bond.

4. Altruism

There may no stronger form of joy than helping others. Happiness is fleeting when it doesn’t involve giving back.

5. Purpose

Waking each day with a sense of mission is a recipe for sustained happiness. Going through the motions is a joy-killer. Find a purpose and enjoy the ride.

6. Open-Mindedness

It can be daunting to engage in introspection but being open to change is a path towards joy. Such open-mindedness is also a chance to flex your imagination muscles. Set happy goals and get your mission started.

7. Laughter

A foundation. Even in the saddest times, there can be moments of laughter. The mere act of laughing is a source of happiness. Laughing at yourself keeps this in a happy perspective.

8. Non-Competitiveness

Stop comparing yourself and your situation to others. If social media makes this a tempting option, take a long tech break. Happiness lies beyond online likes and shares.

9. Acceptance

Not everything is in our control and will turn out to our wishes. As mentioned up top, negativity is inevitable and often motivating. Accept the ups and downs of life and you’ll find yourself far happier during those special moments.

10. Self-Care

Another foundation. Your mind and body reach a happy place more easily when things are finely tuned. Every single day, we must focus on the basics like sleep patterns, eating habits, activity levels, and stress management.

Is There Such a Thing as a “Happiness Coach?”

Short answer: yes! Of course, depending on one’s needs, they may feel guided toward happiness by a member of the clergy, a personal trainer, a dietician, or anyone who can provide a specific expertise. In a much larger and long-term sense, therapists and counselors are the most qualified and successful happiness coaches.

For starters, having time blocked out each week to talk about yourself and work on your self-improvement is a form of happiness in and of itself! Everything else is open for discussion and explored in a safe, honest, evolving, and ongoing conversation.

Take the Next Step…

Want to learn more about facilitating your own health and happiness? For further information, please take a look at my Individual Counseling specialty page. If you’d like help sooner rather than later, please feel free to contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can reach your goals as quickly and effectively as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.
Phil LeBlanc

The post Happiness: What Is It? How Do We Get It? How Do We Make It Last? appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Why Do We Have Negative Thoughts and How Do They Hurt Us?

Sometimes, however, we need negative self-talk. Introspection can be helpful and healthy. Even more so, anxiety and worry can be life-saving. But the type of negative thoughts we’re discussing here are self-limiting. Why then, do most of us end up being our own toughest critic?

Part of the reason for this involves our desire to be “right.” Our upbringing could influence us to maintain some negative ideas about ourselves. From there, our minds may start focusing much more on evidence that “proves” we’re right to have a bad self-image. Even when something good is right in front our face, we’ll look for negative input instead.

We may call this a “vicious cycle.” The world of psychology calls it the “cognitive triad.”

What is the Cognitive Triad?

Essentially, the cognitive triad is our thoughts about self, the world, and the future.

A person may think, “I hate myself.” In turn, this critical self-talk has them imagining that the world agrees: “No one cares about me.” These two components translate into a negative perception of the future: “It’s never going to get better for me.”

In simple terms, this is the cognitive triad in action. This belief system is a hallmark of depressive disorders. Over time, it becomes automatic. We feel unable to control such thoughts and beliefs from dominating our perspective.

This is not a situation we can afford to ignore or leave to self-treatment. But this is a situation that often requires an approach involving cognitive behavioral therapy.

What is CBT and How Does it Help With Negative Thoughts?

Above, we touched on the idea that our past can influence our self-perception and thus, our self-talk. This, of course, can be one way to address our present issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, instead aims its focus on changes to be made in the here and now.

CBT techniques challenge us to determine:

1. what we believe
2. why we believe it

In this process, we’ll learn how to identify distortions in our thinking, e.g. black-and-white categories, overgeneralizing, and a wide variety of other fallacies. We do this by challenging our automatic thoughts. These include the negative self-talk that feels out of our control. Why do we think this way and are any of these thoughts true? It’s often helpful to play out the automatic thought to what might be its conclusion. In doing so, we can more clearly recognize its inaccuracy. We can also better see how it’s limiting and hurting us.

Complementary CBT tactics may also involve journaling and stress management.

What’s the First Positive Step Towards Relief?

By now, it should be clear how important getting help can be. If we cut our finger deeply, we’d consult an expert to have it checked out and probably stitched up. Therefore, when the cognitive triad has us running in circles, it’s just as logical to consult an expert.

A therapist with experience in CBT is worth your time. Learn more about making positive changes on my individual counseling page. If you’re interested in meeting with me please contact me for a consultation.

Empower yourself with information and knowledge. Take the next steps necessary to make positive changes in your life. The best news of all is that negative self-talk and the cognitive triad can both be addressed, managed, and minimized. But none of that will happen until you reach out for counseling help.

The post Trapped by Negative Thoughts: Understanding the Cognitive Triad & How CBT Helps appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Attachment Styles

Of course, many variations exist and sometimes style specifics can blur. But, in general, there are four primary categories:

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Uncertainty is the foundation of this style. If your parents were inconsistent with attention and care, you may have developed a sense of desperation. What you now call love might be something closer to emotional hunger. The anxious-preoccupied person makes demands on their partner and these demands may push them away. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, e.g. “See? They never really loved me!”

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

Here, the person “avoids” disappointment by remaining aloof. This approach gives the impression that one cannot be hurt if they never really cared. They focus on themselves and detach easily from others. The dismissive-avoidant person presents such behavior as “independence” but it is more likely them seeking safety by not taking chances. After all, as a child, they were vulnerable and did not get their needs met. Why risk it as an adult?

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

The fearful-avoidant person may have had a similarly disappointing childhood as the dismissive-avoidant person. For them, however, it manifested into high anxiety. They’ll also aim to avoid attachment but fear will prevent them from accepting disappointment again. This ambivalence creates a volatile scenario. Such a person may feel trapped when a partner attends to them and push them away. Conversely, they cling to their partner after any perceived rejection.

Secure Attachment

This is, perhaps, the most obvious yet least common of the styles. A secure attachment is one built on trust and communication and a willingness to evolve. As a child, you saw your parents as a secure home base of sorts. You felt comfortable exploring because you knew they were always there. Consistency is a foundational factor of secure attachments.

How Our Early Attachments Impact Your Relationships Now

1. Secure

There are no perfect relationships, but those with a secure foundation can withstand the inevitable storms. Compatibility is a fluid concept. Secure couples recognize this and do the daily work to stay connected. Healthy communication is the norm for them.

2. Fearful-Avoidant

These are the relationships that fiction writers and filmmakers often depict. The highs and lows and endless swings between partners are the classic definitions of “drama.” All of this will have some exhilarating moments but their connection may be outweighed by the dysfunction.

3. Dismissive-Avoidant

Communication is the primary concern here. Unless feelings can be exposed and discussed, you will fall into an endless cycle of frustration. These relationships can be a daily struggle to discern what your partner really feels.

4. Anxious-Preoccupied

Get ready for the possibility of passive-aggressive behavior. The anxious partner is quite certain they are doomed to be unlovable. The result is a self-sabotaging and couple-sabotaging pattern buried beneath a seemingly passive surface.

How Do We Detach From Our Attachments?

For starters, we can make a new attachment. This time, it will be with a therapist. Regular counseling sessions are a giant step towards realizing that our attachment styles don’t have to be carved in stone. Your guide will help uncover past influences and explore how these influences shaped your current attachment style and thus, your relationships. Again, the key point is that you can change. If you’re consistently unhappy with your relationships, it does not mean it will always be like this. It’s time to detach from how you attach!

If you want to learn more about early attachments and forging healthier relationships investigate my couples therapy specialty page or contact me for a consultation.

The post The Effects of Early Attachments On Your Relationships Now appeared first on Compass Counseling.

We evolve and establish relationship guidelines from such discord. We have the potential to learn so much about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships when we don’t see eye to eye.

Unhealthy conflict resolution, however, is a much bigger red flag than denying disagreement. Among many things, unhealthy patterns may involve:

• avoidance
• denial
• passive-aggressive behaviors
• threats, abuse, and intimidation
• unnecessary competition
• carry-over into other aspects of your connection
• too many compromises

As a couple, you will have differences. Resolving these differences without sacrificing your core values, damaging your relationship or disrespecting each other as individuals can be quite challenging at times. It helps to have some basic guidelines as your fair fighting foundation.

Don’ts for Resolving Your Differences

1. Don’t skip right to blaming

Yes, sometimes fault can be assigned. But placing blame can derail a calm and productive discussion. When fair fighting, set the stage for resolution by at least hearing your partner out.

2. Don’t use words like “always” and “never”

You always do this. I never do that. Lines like this…never sound like a negotiation. As mentioned below, word choice is a big deal.

3. Don’t aim to “win”

You’re a team. This isn’t a competition. No one should be keeping score. If you subtract the aim of winning, you will be surprised at how productive things can be.

4. Don’t keep going when you need a break

“Time out” are two very useful words to remember in a relationship. Talking until you’re exhausted is a recipe for more conflict. You’re in this for the long haul. Take breaks. Regroup. Breathe. Come together ready for resolution.

5. Don’t get too personal

Personal conversations are personal enough without lowering yourself to insults or name-calling. Intentionally hurting your partner is not an option in a mature, forward-moving relationship.

Dos for Resolving Your Differences

1. Do be direct and honest

Every couple needs a foundation built on truth. Even when that truth is tough to state and even tougher to hear. Fair fighting includes trusting each other to be as direct as possible. If this is a major challenge, couples counseling (see below) is highly recommended.

2. Do pick your battles along with time and place

Not every disagreement warrants negotiation. And when they do, it’s crucial to appreciate how and when you broach the topic. If you’re unsure, ask.

3. Do listen

This sounds obvious but emotions can cloud our ability to hear with an open mind and open heart. Listening skills are the most underrated aspect of healthy communication. This includes using your eye contact, posture, facial expression, and body movements to communicate that you’re paying close attention.

4. Do share the mic

No monologues! Dominating the conversation is not productive. Work hard to appreciate the importance of dialogue. No one wants to be lectured—least of all by their partner.  

5. Do remain aware of tone, volume, and word choice

What you say often pales in comparison to how you say it. Reminder: you love each other…a lot. Allow this to be your guide when it comes to how you speak—even when you’re angry.

A Big Relationship “Do”: Ask for Help

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Neither you nor your partner is required to have all the answers. There’s no user’s manual teaching us how to reach common ground or how to manage persistent uncommon ground. Fortunately, there is the option of couples counseling.

In a world of endless negotiations, there is always a need for a mediator. This person may initially serve as a referee of sorts but ultimately, their expertise is about guidance. Your therapist will facilitate open, honest conversations about a) your differences and b) how to resolve them.

Like any other task, the therapy process requires learning new skills and remaining open to fresh ideas. Fighting with your spouse does not need to inspire fear or shame. But it can be met with the kind of honest, healthy communication techniques of fair fighting you’ll learn in couples counseling together.

Take the Next Step…

Want to learn more about healthy, productive communication? For further information, please take a look at my Couples Therapy specialty page. If you’d like help sooner rather than later, please contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can reach your goals as quickly and effectively as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post Fair Fighting: Do’s and Don’ts for Resolving Your Differences appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Whatever it is you’re trying to do or accomplish, healthy communication is a powerful foundation. Without it, we can swiftly devolve into distant silence, passive-aggression, or even actively aggressive behavior. Disagreements, grudges, and resentment may ensue and take root.

How can you support healthy interaction and foster deeper understanding?

Using “I” statements is a solid, proven choice.

What is an “I” Statement?

This approach to effective communication begins with a strong focus on the feelings and beliefs of the person speaking. The opposite, of course, involves assigning meaning and motive to the actions and thoughts of another person.

Let’s say you want a loved one to text you when they get home just so you know they got there safely. However, let’s also say that your loved one keeps forgetting to text. The “I” statement might be: “I feel worried and invalidated when you don’t text to let me know you’re home.” This type of declaration would stand in stark contrast to: “Why do you always ignore my needs?”

An “I” approach allows the speaker to be assertive without resorting to accusation. Your feelings are yours. You can own them and articulate them without creating aggressive conflict.

This is not saying that the concept of assigning responsibility is removed. Rather, it’s delivered in such a way as to reduce confrontation while encouraging resolution.

How to Make the Most of Communication By Using “I” Statements

1. You Connect With Others Through Shared Experiences

In general, we have more in common with others than we might first imagine. Therefore, a statement like “I feel overwhelmed on a crowded subway train” is more connecting than “Riding on the subway sucks!” We can relate to an expression of feelings and perhaps use that connection to do something about it.

2. Communication Gains a Solution-Oriented Focus

“You can’t fight City Hall” is a classic, non-“I” statement. If rephrased as “I find the new recycling laws confusing,” you could recruit others to your side. The vibe goes from surrender to focus.

3. Elements Like Tone and Timing are Better Appreciated

“I” statements don’t work better every single time. You may personally find them more challenging to integrate. But pondering the value of “I” statements puts us in a more empathic communication space. In this space, we are more likely to consider the importance of word choice, vocal tone, conversation timing, and facial gestures when it comes to effective interactions.

4. You DON’T Fully Remove Blame But You DO Make Discussion Easier

Most situations require an examination of cause and effect. However, most situations are not made better via accusations. Consider this statement: “I feel unheard when you’re looking at your phone during our conversations.” Clearly, there’s an undertone of blame but you began with an expression of feelings. This leaves room for a discussion that isn’t volatile by default.

Sometimes “I” Needs a “We”

Communication is among the most important skills we’ll ever learn. Yet, our society puts very little focus on formal training. We’ll go to classes to play musical instruments, knit, throw karate kicks, and speak another language. But what about the most essential language? What about healthy communication?

Fortunately, it’s never too late to say “I need help,” and “I will seek out a guide.”

Working with an experienced therapist is like taking a master class in communication and connection. You can learn to identify your habits and patterns. If you tend to focus elsewhere and therefore risk confrontation, your counselor can ease you back to “I.” Remember, sometimes “I” needs a “we.”

The post How to Make the Most of Communication Using “I” Statements appeared first on Compass Counseling.