We evolve and establish relationship guidelines from such discord. We have the potential to learn so much about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships when we don’t see eye to eye.

Unhealthy conflict resolution, however, is a much bigger red flag than denying disagreement. Among many things, unhealthy patterns may involve:

• avoidance
• denial
• passive-aggressive behaviors
• threats, abuse, and intimidation
• unnecessary competition
• carry-over into other aspects of your connection
• too many compromises

As a couple, you will have differences. Resolving these differences without sacrificing your core values, damaging your relationship or disrespecting each other as individuals can be quite challenging at times. It helps to have some basic guidelines as your fair fighting foundation.

Don’ts for Resolving Your Differences

1. Don’t skip right to blaming

Yes, sometimes fault can be assigned. But placing blame can derail a calm and productive discussion. When fair fighting, set the stage for resolution by at least hearing your partner out.

2. Don’t use words like “always” and “never”

You always do this. I never do that. Lines like this…never sound like a negotiation. As mentioned below, word choice is a big deal.

3. Don’t aim to “win”

You’re a team. This isn’t a competition. No one should be keeping score. If you subtract the aim of winning, you will be surprised at how productive things can be.

4. Don’t keep going when you need a break

“Time out” are two very useful words to remember in a relationship. Talking until you’re exhausted is a recipe for more conflict. You’re in this for the long haul. Take breaks. Regroup. Breathe. Come together ready for resolution.

5. Don’t get too personal

Personal conversations are personal enough without lowering yourself to insults or name-calling. Intentionally hurting your partner is not an option in a mature, forward-moving relationship.

Dos for Resolving Your Differences

1. Do be direct and honest

Every couple needs a foundation built on truth. Even when that truth is tough to state and even tougher to hear. Fair fighting includes trusting each other to be as direct as possible. If this is a major challenge, couples counseling (see below) is highly recommended.

2. Do pick your battles along with time and place

Not every disagreement warrants negotiation. And when they do, it’s crucial to appreciate how and when you broach the topic. If you’re unsure, ask.

3. Do listen

This sounds obvious but emotions can cloud our ability to hear with an open mind and open heart. Listening skills are the most underrated aspect of healthy communication. This includes using your eye contact, posture, facial expression, and body movements to communicate that you’re paying close attention.

4. Do share the mic

No monologues! Dominating the conversation is not productive. Work hard to appreciate the importance of dialogue. No one wants to be lectured—least of all by their partner.  

5. Do remain aware of tone, volume, and word choice

What you say often pales in comparison to how you say it. Reminder: you love each other…a lot. Allow this to be your guide when it comes to how you speak—even when you’re angry.

A Big Relationship “Do”: Ask for Help

You don’t have to figure this out alone. Neither you nor your partner is required to have all the answers. There’s no user’s manual teaching us how to reach common ground or how to manage persistent uncommon ground. Fortunately, there is the option of couples counseling.

In a world of endless negotiations, there is always a need for a mediator. This person may initially serve as a referee of sorts but ultimately, their expertise is about guidance. Your therapist will facilitate open, honest conversations about a) your differences and b) how to resolve them.

Like any other task, the therapy process requires learning new skills and remaining open to fresh ideas. Fighting with your spouse does not need to inspire fear or shame. But it can be met with the kind of honest, healthy communication techniques of fair fighting you’ll learn in couples counseling together.

Take the Next Step…

Want to learn more about healthy, productive communication? For further information, please take a look at my Couples Therapy specialty page. If you’d like help sooner rather than later, please contact me by phone or email to discuss how we can reach your goals as quickly and effectively as possible.

I look forward to the possibility of working with you as your journey continues.

Phil LeBlanc

The post Fair Fighting: Do’s and Don’ts for Resolving Your Differences appeared first on Compass Counseling.

Of course! You won’t get any arguments from anybody on that.

But why exactly does it matter so much? Especially in intimate relationships?

Trust – The Binding Power in Relationships

Love is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Commitment, respect, loyalty, kindness, patience, empathy, and communication are some of the building blocks.

Trust is like the cement that holds it all together.

Trust binds and solidifies your relationship. It provides you with a feeling of security. Through the stability and strength it lends, it builds the bond between you and your mate. Trusting that your partner’s true intentions are good, and loving affects all aspects of your marriage positively.

In fact, a healthy relationship encompasses several types of trust:

• Trust that you love each other for who you are. No ulterior motives!
• Trust that you will remain faithful to each other—sexually and emotionally.
• Trust that you will give each other freedom and avoid controlling one another.
• Trust that you will not harm each other—physically or verbally.
• Trust that you will not reject or abandon one another when faced with disagreements and negative feelings. Never threatening with divorce!
• Trust that you will prioritize your marriage and avoid taking each other for granted or neglecting your union.

Amazingly, instead of making you feel imprisoned, real trust gives you the freedom of experiencing the full potential of your marriage. It allows you to be completely vulnerable with your partner. Trust matters because it gives you the freedom to share who you really are deeply and exclusively.

That happens because the trust between you assures that whatever you share will be cherished and valued. And no matter what you reveal—good, bad, or ugly—you are certain that they love you.

Trust is something you should value, enjoy, and protect. How?

How to Protect Your Trust in Practical Ways

Work as a team

Marriage isn’t a one-man-show; it’s a team effort. Some stretches of time will be rockier than others—there’s no way around the ups and downs. However, in order to navigate that difficult terrain, you must work together and watch out for each other.

When there are relationship issues, put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Try to understand where they’re coming from. Empathize with your partner and ask yourself if their needs are met. Tackle problems as a unit, finding solutions together and compromising. Teamwork builds trust.

Be honest with yourself and your spouse

Secrets can destroy a marriage very quickly. Of course, nobody is perfect—you’ll both mess up occasionally. But don’t let yourself get caught getting in “too deep” just because you fear talking about a problem. When protecting your trust, matters always need to be kept open and honest.

One great way to accomplish that is to remember that all secrets eventually come to light. So, stop wasting your energy struggling to keep them. If you’re seeing yourself heading in a bad direction, don’t undermine your trust because of shame. Rather, honestly acknowledge your problem to yourself and your spouse. It allows them to help you and then join you in your triumph.

Another way to achieve openness is showing yourself accountable. Be completely transparent—having access to each other’s confidential information, such as financial documents, phone records, or email and social media accounts. No need for spying, but simply create accountability.

Continually communicate

Team members always communicate, otherwise, the team would fail. People who want to keep things open and honest, communicate effectively Yes, communication is a crucial factor in protecting trust. When it stops, trust begins corroding.

Of course, the best kind of communication is face-to-face. Make it direct and personal, yet respectful and compassionate. When you promote that kind of conversational atmosphere, you’re never afraid to speak the truth. And that intimacy keeps your trust strong.

Keep growing… together

That means, not just growing closer but also moving forward together, learning more and more about each other. When your marriage becomes stagnant—just like a pool of water—an unhealthy environment develops that can quickly create mistrust.

So, put some effort into doing things together and creating memories. Be imaginative; be spontaneous. Go outside your comfort zone! Engage in activities that inspire you, help you know each other deeply, and make your love and trust grow for each other.

Never forget that it’s much easier to protect and preserve your trust than trying to rebuild it when it is broken. Thus, it’s imperative that you keep the trust “glue” intact and prevent the marital structure from tumbling down. You don’t want to be buried beneath a pile of rubble. Reach out to a couples counselor if you find trust is wavering and your marriage is a bit wobbly.  Trust matters and protecting it is worth the work!

To learn more about couples therapy click here.

The post Why Trust Matters So Much And Practical Ways to Protect It appeared first on Compass Counseling.

And yet, it appears we’re often ill-equipped to handle it in the right way—a positive way.

Have negative communication patterns caused problems in your life?

Consider what you can do to reverse them.

Converting Negative Communication Patterns Into Positive Ones

Negative Pattern #1: The Cold Shoulder

When you choose to disengage from the conversation, you’re obstructing any progress that could be made as if with a wall. Your withdrawal is meant to send the message that you really don’t care about what’s being said. In reality, though, its aim is to give you control when you feel powerless. And while it appears that you’re ending the conversation, the conflict is still going on.

How to reverse it: First, you have to let the other person know that you’re feeling flooded and are reaching the point of shutting down. Don’t just walk off, but make it clear that you need a break (at least 20 minutes) to let you breathe, think, and calm down. During that time, don’t fan the flames of your dismay. Instead, do something soothing, like exercising or listening to music, to help you to mentally and emotionally step back from the conflict. By doing this, you gain some valuable insight on the matter and adapt your approach accordingly once you continue the interaction.

Negative Pattern #2: Playing the Victim

Saying it’s not your fault is often a way to fend off a perceived attack. But while that reaction springs from a need for self-protection, defensiveness is actually a way of shifting the blame to the other person. In essence, you’re saying the problem isn’t me—it’s you! And that never solves the conflict. It only causes the other person to become defensive in return.

How to reverse it: Accept responsibility, at least for part of the discord. That, of course, calls for you to drop your pride and demonstrate some humility. Saying sorry for your share in the problem, then, is also an important step. When you show yourself accountable for your weaknesses and mistakes, it helps the other person to meet you in the middle.

Negative Pattern #3: Character Attack

If a complaint doesn’t work, you may resort to attacking the personality or character of another with sharp criticism. Using sweeping generalizations, like “you always” or “you never,” blurs the focus on any specific behavior problem, though. And simply declaring that something is fundamentally wrong with someone else does not help to solve the issue.

How to reverse it: Complain without blaming, but rather turn your discontent into a request. Talk about how you feel and be specific about any particular behavior that you find annoying or frustrating. Use “I” statements instead of “you” and express what you need from the other person in a positive and loving way. Focus on their positive qualities, not on what they “always” or “never” seem to do.

Negative Pattern #4: Sarcasm and Cynicism

Both types of conduct are negative expressions of aggressive anger and will only add fuel to the fire of conflict. They hail from a feeling of superiority and contempt for others and convey disgust. Name-calling, sneering, mocking, eye-rolling, belligerence, and hostile humor are also included in this pattern of provocative and threatening communication.

How to reverse it: Cultivate appreciation and respect for others, treating them with dignity. Look beyond the flaws of others and think about all the things you can appreciate about them. Everybody has strength and weaknesses. When you develop respect for others you give evidence to that in what you say and how you say it. Even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, speaking kindly and respectfully creates an atmosphere of open and honest communication.

Always remember, the key to reversing negative communication patterns is recognizing them and halting before the conflict escalates to a level where it seems to have a momentum of its own. So, take a moment to ponder on which one of the aforementioned behaviors you exhibit when problems arise.

Make a concerted effort to change your response pattern. Be patient but proactive. And most importantly, don’t forget that you can avail yourself of professional help if you simply can’t reign in your negative communication patterns and reverse them. You’ll never regret asking for help!

For further information, please take a look at my specialty page on couples therapy.

The post How to Reverse These Negative Communication Patterns appeared first on Compass Counseling.

If you have suffered an act of infidelity, you may be trying to figure out how your relationship can survive the aftermath of complex emotions and fractured trust. The following are six ways to improve your chances of repairing your relationship after an affair.

Be Sure Both Of You Are Willing To Move Forward

The first step is to be certain that you and your partner are on the same page. Are you both fully committed to renewing your bond, working together and being accountable for the health of your relationship? It’s of immeasurable importance to make sure that both people want to recover. Otherwise, one of you will likely be doing all the work and enjoying none of the benefits. It may be an uncomfortable conversation to have, but talking with your partner about each other’s level of commitment after an affair can save a lot of time, effort, and potentially additional heartbreak.

Stop The Infidelity

It seems obvious but requires mentioning. If you are truly invested in rebuilding your relationship, you have to stop the infidelity. Unless you suffer a psychological obsession or addiction to sex that makes exclusivity a challenge, persistent cheating is a stark indicator that you don’t wish to make this journey with your partner.

In the case of the latter, counseling for sex addiction can offer a tremendous amount of support and guidance. It can help you identify the origins of your behavior and provide a starting point for your relationship’s recovery. In either case, however, more infidelity will wreck your chances of moving forward and will be tragically overwhelming for the victims.

Be Painfully Open And Honest With Each Other

Being open and honest with your partner means being able to lay bare the facts and put to rest fictional narratives that can haunt the victim. It means taking the pains to bear the story even if it hurts. It means laying everything out in the open despite anger, pain, guilt or fear of judgment. In fact, one of infidelity’s greatest pains is not knowing everything—having the narrative pieced together incrementally.

No one likes being left in the dark. That kind of wondering about “what part of the truth will I face next” only breeds more doubt, mistrust, and suspicion. By facing the truth of the infidelity, you demystify it. In doing so, you mitigate its power to dominate and control your imagination and emotions.

Address The Elephant In The Room: “Why Did It Happen?”

As much as it may hurt, it’s imperative to understand why this happened in the first place. Was it a change in your sexual relationship or a lack of intimacy? Was it a matter of opportunity or was it intentional? Did an experience in a past relationship influence the behavior or was it a reflection of family history?

Knowing why the act of infidelity occurred helps inform how you should go about repairing the relationship. Like most situations that require a remedy, it helps to identify the problem before trying to fix it.

Be Patient, Empathetic, and Accountable

Remember that an act of infidelity can be as traumatic as any other experience of personal loss or injury. As a result, healing will take time—there is no easy fix. The expectation is that both of you will have to commit to working diligently over time.

This means having the patience to let the other person work through their emotions. It means being accountable for your role in the experience and knowing when to own your actions and their impact. And it means learning how to share your partner’s perspective and embrace the validity of their emotions. Healing a relationship after an affair is an incremental process that can require as much patience as it does effort.

Seek Guidance From A Professional

One of the best things you can do for your relationship after an affair is to seek professional assistance. Marriage counseling, couples counseling, and family therapy can be an invaluable resource for recovery. Navigating the extreme emotions and trauma of infidelity can be a painful and confusing challenge. Just knowing where and how to start can seem impossible.

However, with a compassionate and skilled counselor, you and your spouse can explore your situation honestly and productively. Whether it’s understanding the reasons for infidelity, validating complex emotions or starting on the road to recovery, counseling can only help. In this place of healing, free of judgment, you can find the guidance and support crucial to repairing your relationship.

The post 6 Strategies for Relationship Repair After an Affair appeared first on Compass Counseling.

If you feel that this is the kind of uncomfortable dance you are constantly performing in your relationship, then maybe it is time to communicate more and argue less.

Here are 7 ways to communicate that can reduce the amount of eggshells under your tired feet.

1. Create time and space for each other

The first rule of good communication is making sure it actually happens. 

Busy lives make it difficult to be present for each other. Fear of conflict of cause us to use our busy lives as an excuse to avoid communication. But our conflicts don’t go away. If we don’t talk about them in a good way, they will erupt. Which was  actually our worst fear anyway…and the reason  we walked on eggshells in the first place.

2. Listen more than you speak

One of the most powerful ways to communicate is to listen. 

Many arguments bloom from misunderstandings. Misunderstandings start when you don’t listen.

3. Don’t make assumptions, ask

Another very powerful way to communicate is to ask questions.

And the best kinds of questions are ‘open-ended’ questions, questions that don’t push the other person into assumptions you have made without them. For example: ‘What would you like to do tonight?’ as opposed to: ‘When are we going to the cinema?’

4. Don’t accuse or blame, talk about yourself

Find new ways to communicate that start with yourself.

State what is happening with you (‘I feel uncomfortable”) rather than accusing your partner (‘You are always doing this to make me uncomfortable). And by the way, good ways to communicate don’t include the words ‘always’ and ‘never.’ Stay with the current issue, give examples, be precise.

5. Raise issues as they arise

Good communication doesn’t make you wait.

If something happens that bothers you, address it with your partner as soon as you can. Respond with a question, not with an accusation. Listen to the answer. Then you will already know a lot more.

Misunderstandings can be cleared up straight away so that you don’t have to walk on eggshells for days at a time or live in fear of setting off an angry reaction. The earlier you intervene, the smaller the issue usually is. If you wait, the waiting will add on extra issues. And fear. and resentment.

And what if it turns out to be all about nothing? You will have wasted so much time and energy walking on eggshells when you could have danced barefoot in the sunlight.

6. Make sure the issue is resolved

At the other end of the communication process, try not to leave too many matters unfinished.

Of course, a relationship is an ongoing journey, and there is (hopefully) always a ‘next time’ to talk (and listen).But don’t assume that just because you feel that something has been resolved, the feeling is mutual.

Ask, and ask again.Go out of your way to make sure that there is no festering fear or resentment. If you run out of time, arrange the next ‘conversation date’ there and then.

7. Don’t fight to win, fight to understand

Of all the good ways to communicate, this is the most important.

However painful or scary the topic, the person you are talking with is your partner, not your enemy. The goal of your conversation, even if it is about a big conflict, is not to produce a winner and a loser. If that is the outcome, you both lose. The goal is to understand each other and find a way forward together.

Whatever the trouble ahead, throw out the eggshells, plant your feet firmly on the ground, face the music together, and dance!

For further information, please take a look at my specialty page on couples therapy.

The post Tired of Walking on Eggshells? 7 Ways to Communicate More & Argue Less appeared first on Compass Counseling.

But what about the opposite? How aware are we of the different stages of drifting apart? How much do we focus on our relationship priorities in the long run?

A busy life

Once couples ‘settle down’ together, the focus of their lives begins to shift. What was previously an exciting adventure, an important goal, or a major milestone, is now becoming the status quo, the reference point of their lives.

In other words, relationship priorities change. This change only accelerates once the couple is transformed into a family.

Other life issues move into the foreground of attention: careers, extended family, life issues such as illness or financial problems now suck up the energy and emotions that finding and forming a relationship with your partner used to have.

This usually happens slowly, so slowly that it is difficult to catch the moments when you grow apart, and it usually happens while your attention is already distracted.

Long distance relationships

Many relationships now go through at least a period of physical separation, whether it is through work placements or extended travel, or even through long daily commutes or working very long hours. Keeping connected is difficult if you hardly see each other.

Growing apart from the inside out

Many couples simply lose the bond that made them choose each other in the first place, and it often happens because they prioritize other parts of their lives, often without even realizing it.

So what can you do to develop healthy relationship priorities?

Prioritizing your relationship

You never ‘have’ a relationship. You are always building it. Therefore, you need to make it a priority in everything you do.

The good news is that you already know how. You did it when you first met your partner. Remember how you couldn’t stop thinking about them, even when they were not there?

That is what a priority feels like. Curiosity, hope, excitement, longing, desire. Love.

Really smart relationship priorities mean that you never allow that priority to slip away in the first place. You never allow your partner to slip into the background of your life or your mind. You never stop being curious about them, and you never stop thinking of them as someone very special who brings something to your life that you cannot create on your own.

Ask yourself how much of that is present in your relationship right now.

Communicating

If some of the original focus and excitement has disappeared, don’t despair.

You can still reconnect. The most important tool is communication.

• Make time

Create time and space for talking to each other. Make it a fun activity, something you both look forward to, not a chore or an obligation. Don’t wait until conflicts eat up most of your communication.

• Ask and answer

Don’t make assumptions. Ask questions you don’t know the answer to. Remember you are talking to the most important person in your life.

• Explore

Explore new ways of communicating. Include adventure, new activities (maybe some that go along with other developments in your life, such as a growing family) and, of course, intimacy in your relationship priorities.

Reconnecting

If you have inadvertently grown apart, and if circumstances don’t allow you a lot of face time together, have a conversation about those relationship priorities. Together.

• Acknowledge the situation, and share your feelings. This is difficult, and painful.
• Tell your partner what you miss the most and what you long for the most.
• Try to stay in touch throughout the day with texts and messages.
• Create special priority time just with each other, no matter what. Your partner comes first, not last.
• Find out what has happened to both of you since you last connected. Maybe it was this morning. Maybe it was a year ago. Maybe your partner can still surprise you!

Staying connected

Ultimately, staying connected depends on how much you want to stay connected. Communication tools can’t fix loss of interest, or a life focus that is shifting away.

Don’t avoid talking about what separates you as well as what (still) connects you. The more real you are with each other, the more substance your relationship will have.

Your relationship is a long, complicated story.

Try to keep each other informed about the plot twists and be aware of what goes on, inside and out. For further information, please take a look at my specialty page on couples therapy.

The post Relationship Priorities: How to Reconnect When Life Keeps You Apart appeared first on Compass Counseling.

That’s what many people say before it happens. But your marriage doesn’t have to end there.

Couples counseling is a proven, research-based approach to healing after an affair.

Your couples counselor has no preconceived ideas about you and how your relationship should develop. The counselor is there to help you find out what you really feel, where you stand in the process of healing after an affair, and what you now want to do, both separately and as a couple.

Relationships are often stuck in unproductive, painful communication patterns that usually existed long before the affair and its discovery. Your counselor will be able to recognize these harmful patterns and unravel them with you. He or she can also teach you new communication skills that will serve you well, whether or not you stay together.

Shock

When an affair is discovered, both partners go into shock.

The ‘discoverer’ often feels that their entire life view has been shattered. What was true yesterday no longer exists today. Betrayal, isolation, and fear all pile up into an existential crisis.

The partner who is having (or was having) the affair also feels shock. Their deception is no longer working, and their self-deception has also received a big knock.

While you are both in a state of shock, communication will be extremely difficult. You are very occupied with your own painful feelings.

The counselor can help you recognize what is going on and support you in dealing with these traumatic events.

Immediate action

Is the affair over?

If the answer is yes, the path is clear. Try to understand yourself and each other, and find out what you want to do.

If the answer is no, then couples counseling might be even more urgent.

Do you need distance? Do you need new communication skills (see above)?

Try to be as clear and as honest with yourself as you can.

Understanding

Why did my partner have an affair?

A question that haunts many, and a question that may never be satisfactorily answered.

Why did I have this affair?

That’s the really urgent question you need to answer. For yourself and then for your partner and for healing after an affair.

Grieving

Both of you will grieve the end of your relationship as it was before. The past can never come back.

If you are the unfaithful partner, you will also grieve the end of your affair. The loss of your lover. Even if you want to forget it all, you won’t be able to.

The grieving process includes anger, sadness, and denial. Your grieving may clash. Your emotions may overwhelm you.

Guilt, blame, and shame

All three are very negative emotions that prevent us from living life in the present and that poison our relationships with each other.

If you feel guilt for what you did, you need to unravel what this means for you and what you are going to do with the feeling. Don’t put the responsibility to ‘absolve you’ of your guilt onto your partner. It’s yours.

Blaming is very natural when someone cheats on you and of course it is their fault. They cheated. But if you get stuck in blame, nothing can be resolved. Nothing new can evolve.

Shame is a deep feeling that something is wrong with you. Not with what you do, but with you who are. Shame is toxic. You need to address it and find its roots in your deep past.

Honesty

Secrecy and holding back has not worked. That is now as obvious as it can get. When you work out what you want, tell your partner as honestly as you tell yourself. See if you can move on from there or not.

Forgiveness

What does ‘forgiving the affair’ mean to you?

The experience of the affair (both having it and discovering it) cannot be erased from memory. On the contrary, it has changed your marriage forever. So what does ‘forgiveness’ mean and why do you think you need it?  What are you going to do with it?

Decisions

Finally, if you want to experience healing after an affair together, you have to make a decision. This is not a ‘we’ decision, it’s a separate and individual decision by each partner.

The question is simple and very complex at the same time: do you want to stay with your spouse? With this particular person? Right now?

There may still be a lot of love and connection. Sometimes painful revelations can even re-energize your marriage. But if you build your marriage on new deceptions and self-deceptions, you will not heal it.

Couples counselors are very familiar with all of these issues. They are also completely neutral and confidential. Couples counseling may be the best investment you will ever make.

The post Healing After an Affair: You can Do It & Couples Counseling Can Help appeared first on Compass Counseling.

But mindfulness is not just solitary meditation. The practice of mindfulness helps you connect with all living beings – including your partner.

Mindfulness benefits couples, both when practiced separately and together. A University of North Carolina study found in 2004 that mindfulness for couples improved “relationship happiness” and reduced relationship stress as well as overall stress.

Mindfulness exercises for couples

Basic mindfulness exercises center around the breath and the connection to your surroundings, using all of your senses.

Try to practice the breathing exercises together, to slow down, relax, and connect in a different way.

First, you need to find a quiet space where you will be undisturbed for about 20 minutes–or longer, if you like. Your relationship space needs to be safe and protected.

Then sit down opposite of each other in a comfortable position and close your eyes.

Pay attention to how your breath moves in and out of your body. Don’t force it in any way, your breath is doing what it does best. Just pay attention. With the breath you come alive.

After a minute or so, start slow breathing exercises, for example following the 5 – 5 — 7 method, where you slowly breathe in to a count of 5, then hold your breath for a count of 5, and then breathe out for a count of seven – the out-breath should always be longer than the in-breath.

If you really focus on your breath, your mind will automatically focus on the present moment. Distractions, worries, fears, and negative feelings will fade into the background.

The next step is to be open to the world and any way in which the world connects with you. Listen without judgment to any sounds you can hear, just notice them. You may hear your partner’s breathing and the small sounds she is making as her body shifts around on the floor. Don’t look yet! Stay relaxed, breathe deeply, smell the air around you, sense how your body feels inside.

Give each other the space to practice this first part of mindfulness at your own pace. When you are fully connected to yourself and to the present moment around you, open your eyes.

Mindfulness connection

Look at each other.

Not in the way you usually look at each other, with all the baggage of memories and expectations. Look at each other in the same way you listened to the sounds of the world around you right now – with an open mind, without preconceptions. As if you were seeing each other for the very first time.

You don’t have to speak at all. Just be aware of each other’s presence.

(Just a word of warning: mindfulness for couples can lead to renewed and very enjoyable intimacy! Certainly a good way to relax and connect.)

Mindfulness conversation

If you speak, try to take the “open mind, no preconceptions” attitude into your conversation.

Try to get the essence of your partner’s words, don’t judge.

Mindfulness leads to good, deep conversations. Or you could just laugh together, or break into song…

Mindfulness in conflict – compassion and self-compassion

If you are in the throes of a relationship conflict, mindfulness can also be of great benefit.

As you connect with your own self, you will realize that you are a small person in a big universe, and you have suffered. Have compassion with yourself!

Look at your partner – he is also a person who has suffered. Self-compassion leads to compassion with your partner, something that is often missing in interaction between distressed couples.

With compassion, you can see that conflict is often a desperate attempt to connect. But if you don’t feel compassion, you see each other as enemies.

Mindfulness can help you realize that the enemy you sometimes see in your partner is really an unwanted aspect of your own self. In other words, you will recognize some of the patterns of your own mind.

20 minutes of mindfulness for couples doesn’t seem like much, but it can change your entire relationship dynamic.

For further information, please take a look at my specialty page on couples therapy.

The post Mindfulness for Couples: Slow Down, Relax, and Reconnect appeared first on Compass Counseling.

So why do married people cheat?

It turns out that answers can be confusing and contradictory.

Cheating statistics

Even the statistics about infidelity are confusing.

Over the last 25 years there have been many studies, all of them based on what people report about their own behavior – reports that seem to vary wildly depending on how the questions are asked and the setting in which they are asked (presence or absence of family members, face-to-face, or anonymous questionnaires). It also depends, of course, on how ‘cheating’ is defined exactly.

The most comprehensive study by Blow & Hartnett, 2005, puts the ‘cheating over the lifetime of a marriage’ figure at around 25% or less, while a more recent study by psychologist Julia Omarzu only found 10 – 13%.

Often quoted rates of over 50% don’t seem to be verified by recent studies.

And at the same time, 70-80% of Americans repeatedly state that cheating is wrong.

Here are some of the most commonly quoted reasons why married people cheat:

Reasons related to dissatisfaction and disconnectedness in the marriage:

1. Sexual unhappiness

The most common reason for cheating is related to sex. Sex in the existing marriage relationship.

Feeling sexually unfulfilled and unwanted (or even rejected) can be very painful. The sexual relationship is at the core of a couple’s connection to each other and it is what makes marriage different from friendships and all other kinds of relationships, so it is not so surprising that dissatisfaction with sex would be the main reason why married people cheat.

2. Emotional needs are not being met

Almost as common as sex is the feeling that emotional needs are not being met.

People report feeling ‘lonely’ inside their marriage, disconnected, not understood, and, above all, not validated as a person by their partner. People report considerable emotional suffering, and if it cannot be expressed — or not healed if it is expressed — some turn to someone outside the marriage. Sometimes this leads to falling in love with someone else.

Reasons related to personal issues of the cheating partner:

3. Curiosity/boredom

Some married people cheat not because they are unhappy — they are generally quite content in their marriage. They report feeling curious about sexual activities that don’t happen with their partner, or bored with the repetition of daily life.

4. ‘Revenge’

On the other side of the scale, some married people cheat because their partner has cheated on them or hurt them in some other, major way. Research is unclear as to whether this helps them heal or not.

5. Low self-esteem/ego boost

An affair can boost your self-image, if not always your self-esteem. If you have a tendency to feel that you are not good enough, feeling desired by a new person can have a big effect. Some people actively seek out ego boosts as often as they can get them.

6. Sense of entitlement/having it all

Not all cheaters act from a position of deficit, sexual or emotional.

Particularly for those who have long term affairs or serial affairs, cheating can become a lifestyle that allows them to have more than one partner. Statistics seem to suggest that most of these affairs are never discovered and never communicated which makes this ‘double’ lifestyle possible for some and they often have no desire to change it.

Cheating as an extreme form of communication

7. Exit affair

If couples catastrophically fail to communicate, an affair can sometimes be a desperate strategy to end the marriage. The partner who cheats can come to understand that the marriage is not what he or she wants by having a relationship with someone else, and can sometimes even end the marriage through ‘discovery.’

Overall it seems that married people cheat because they experience their marriage as painful and unfulfilling, because they have a pre-existing issue with self-esteem or were never truly monogamous, or because they actually want a way out of their marriage.

Marriage counseling can help to uncover what the underlying reasons are and how the partners can heal their marriage. Provided, of course, that both of them want to!

The post The 7 Most Common Reasons Why Married People Cheat appeared first on Compass Counseling.