Communication. It’s the lifeblood of relationships.
And yet, it appears we’re often ill-equipped to handle it in the right way—a positive way.
Have negative communication patterns caused problems in your life?
Consider what you can do to reverse them.
Converting Negative Communication Patterns Into Positive Ones
Negative Pattern #1: The Cold Shoulder
When you choose to disengage from the conversation, you’re obstructing any progress that could be made as if with a wall. Your withdrawal is meant to send the message that you really don’t care about what’s being said. In reality, though, its aim is to give you control when you feel powerless. And while it appears that you’re ending the conversation, the conflict is still going on.
How to reverse it: First, you have to let the other person know that you’re feeling flooded and are reaching the point of shutting down. Don’t just walk off, but make it clear that you need a break (at least 20 minutes) to let you breathe, think, and calm down. During that time, don’t fan the flames of your dismay. Instead, do something soothing, like exercising or listening to music, to help you to mentally and emotionally step back from the conflict. By doing this, you gain some valuable insight on the matter and adapt your approach accordingly once you continue the interaction.
Negative Pattern #2: Playing the Victim
Saying it’s not your fault is often a way to fend off a perceived attack. But while that reaction springs from a need for self-protection, defensiveness is actually a way of shifting the blame to the other person. In essence, you’re saying the problem isn’t me—it’s you! And that never solves the conflict. It only causes the other person to become defensive in return.
How to reverse it: Accept responsibility, at least for part of the discord. That, of course, calls for you to drop your pride and demonstrate some humility. Saying sorry for your share in the problem, then, is also an important step. When you show yourself accountable for your weaknesses and mistakes, it helps the other person to meet you in the middle.
Negative Pattern #3: Character Attack
If a complaint doesn’t work, you may resort to attacking the personality or character of another with sharp criticism. Using sweeping generalizations, like “you always” or “you never,” blurs the focus on any specific behavior problem, though. And simply declaring that something is fundamentally wrong with someone else does not help to solve the issue.
How to reverse it: Complain without blaming, but rather turn your discontent into a request. Talk about how you feel and be specific about any particular behavior that you find annoying or frustrating. Use “I” statements instead of “you” and express what you need from the other person in a positive and loving way. Focus on their positive qualities, not on what they “always” or “never” seem to do.
Negative Pattern #4: Sarcasm and Cynicism
Both types of conduct are negative expressions of aggressive anger and will only add fuel to the fire of conflict. They hail from a feeling of superiority and contempt for others and convey disgust. Name-calling, sneering, mocking, eye-rolling, belligerence, and hostile humor are also included in this pattern of provocative and threatening communication.
How to reverse it: Cultivate appreciation and respect for others, treating them with dignity. Look beyond the flaws of others and think about all the things you can appreciate about them. Everybody has strength and weaknesses. When you develop respect for others you give evidence to that in what you say and how you say it. Even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, speaking kindly and respectfully creates an atmosphere of open and honest communication.
Always remember, the key to reversing negative communication patterns is recognizing them and halting before the conflict escalates to a level where it seems to have a momentum of its own. So, take a moment to ponder on which one of the aforementioned behaviors you exhibit when problems arise.
Make a concerted effort to change your response pattern. Be patient but proactive. And most importantly, don’t forget that you can avail yourself of professional help if you simply can’t reign in your negative communication patterns and reverse them. You’ll never regret asking for help!
For further information, please take a look at my specialty page on couples therapy.
